Grieving Out Loud

When something shocking happens, such as the sudden loss of a loved one, I would venture to say it is common to reflect on the days, weeks, and even months leading up to that particular moment in search of answers. Oftentimes, we may reflect to see if there may have been some warning signs we overlooked or things we could have done differently. In those moments, when I find myself reflecting on things with the intent to find answers, or become hyperfocused on imagining different outcomes, I quickly have to remind myself that it does not have anything to do with me or what I possibly could have done differently. Ultimately, I am not the One in control.

When my dad passed away suddenly, I replayed so many moments prior to, as well as several moments following his death, over and over again in my mind. It sends chills down my spine every time I think about these moments because there is one element that is obvious in every aspect leading up to my dad’s death…

God’s sovereignty.

His hand was in all of it.

Orchestrating every single moment.

Moments, when all I could do after reflecting on these things, was pause with a grateful heart and say, “I know that was You, Lord.”  

A Blissful Family Vacation

In November 2024, just two months prior to my dad’s death, we were able to take what our whole family would agree was without a doubt the absolute best family vacation! I know there is no such thing as a perfect vacation, but this particular trip was practically on the brink of perfection. It was a trip in which my parents, my siblings, my husband, our children, and myself were able to go to Disney World together. If you knew my dad- then you knew that he was not the biggest fan of Disney World. He thought it was a major rip-off and often referred to it as, “the world’s biggest mousetrap,” but he also understood how much my mom enjoyed vacationing there, especially with her kids and now even moreso with her grandkids. 

In our previous trips to Disney World it was not unusual for my dad to stay behind at the resort to rest or swim while we went to the parks; however, this year was different. 

My dad ventured out with us every single day- even in a torrential downpour. Not to mention, back in October prior to our trip he ruptured his achilles heel. This left him in a boot, a lot of pain, and he could only walk very short distances. He did not even allow this to hold him back. He still chose to join us every day at the park maneuvering his way through the crowds on his blue mobility scooter. He was content sitting on the sidelines, in the heat. He never complained about being the keeper of all the bags while we waited in long lines. He simply waited patiently for us to return to him. Many times we told him if he wanted to leave us at the park in order to go back to the resort early and rest– we would understand. His response to that suggestion was simply, “No. I want to watch you all having fun.”

I know that was You, Lord.

Did My Dad Have a Stirring in His Heart?

There were several moments and conversations with my dad prior to his death that at the time felt normal. Mundane. Now, the memories I have of these particular instances feel somewhat ominous. 

Any time we would prepare to go our separate ways, we never left without a hug, a kiss, and we always said, “I love you.” Randomly, not too long ago, instead of ending with our normal, “I love you”, my dad began to say, “I’ll see you later, Lord willing.” The first time he said this to me I remember it was in the middle of one of our goodbye hugs as my head rested on his shoulder. I remember furrowing my eyebrows in confusion. I wish I would have asked him why he threw in this extra phrase. Did he have a feeling that his time was limited?

I know that was You, Lord.

It wasn’t just the change in his goodbye when we left. It was also the fact that he constantly made it a point to check in with my sister and ask if she still enjoyed her new job. If she was happy with where she was working. Every time she reassured him that she loved it and she was truly happy he would respond with, “Good deal.” It was almost as if he needed the reassurance that his baby girl was finally happy with her career. The peace of mind that all of his kids were happy with where they were at in their lives.

I know that was You, Lord. 

Continuing along those same lines, every Christmas my mom would take care of all of the Christmas shopping. My dad was always clueless as to what gifts my mom bought for everyone. However, this year was different. This year, on top of the gifts my mom had already purchased for us- my dad chose to give each of us kids $1,000 from his separate account as a Christmas gift, specifically from him. It wasn’t just the gift, but it was the fact that he kept asking us if, “that was enough.” We kept telling him we were fine. That it was more than enough and he did not have to do that. I will never forget how he kept saying, “If you need more- just tell me. I will give you my last dime if you need it.” This is a testament to the selfless, generous man he was. Once again, I can’t help but feel as if he needed to know that his kids were going to be okay, financially, if he were not going to be here to help out.

Two weeks later, he passed away unexpectedly.

I know that was You, Lord.

My Anxious Heart

On New Year’s Eve, my heart was so incredibly heavy- specifically for my dad. I stayed up all night praying about a lot of different things. I prayed for everyone in my family individually, but I remember spending a lot of extra time praying for my dad in particular. I was fervently praying for more time with him. I prayed for 2025 to be a brighter chapter in his health story. I had been feeling anxious for a while about him, but this particular night- the beginning of a new year- this felt different. I was incredibly anxious thinking about the day I would get the phone call that something bad had happened to him. This was a burden on my heart that kept me awake at night. For the next eight days, it was almost as if I was just walking around holding my breath anxiously awaiting for the shoe to drop. 

Could the Lord have possibly been  preparing my heart for one of the most painful goodbyes I have ever experienced?

On the eighth day of January, my dad passed away unexpectedly.

I know that was You, Lord. 

The Ominous Photos 

While on that same family vacation back in November, as we were headed down to Disney it would have been too early for us to check into our resort, so we chose to stop and visit a beach along the way to pass the time. My dad was unable to join us on the beach in his scooter, so he opted to stay up at the top and he said he would wait for us there. 

It wasn’t until after my dad passed away that my brother was looking through the pictures on my dad’s phone that he came across the images you will see below. Once again, if you knew my dad- he didn’t take pictures. Actually, I believe these were the only pictures on his phone in which he had captured them himself. All of the other photos were pictures we had posted on social media or shared with him via text that he simply downloaded and saved. 

Looking at these pictures for the first time after his death felt eerie in a way. The image of him looking down on us, watching us as we are walking along the beach, nonchalantly without him by our side feels like a foreshadowing of some sort, but in that moment we were blissfully unaware of how little time we had left with him. 

As I reflect on these pictures and the fact that it was very out of character for my dad to capture moments such as this, I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, the Lord had put a stirring in his heart to soak up and make the most of whatever time he had left with us.

I know that was You, Lord.

Not My Will, But Yours, Lord

On that fateful night that my dad died, I was at home, but I was on the phone with my brother as the events were unfolding. The sound of chaos, slightly muffled as my brother was watching from a slight distance in the hallway as everything was taking place in the living room. I will never forget the moment my brother yelled, “Dad just passed out! They’re working on him now!” I immediately ran into my bedroom and dropped to my knees. I began crying out for the Lord to save my dad. My sister joined me on the floor, sobbing and crying out, as well. I remember pleading with God that if it were His will to save him in that moment that I would not take His grace and mercy for granted. I prayed for more time with my dad.

 In shock and disbelief, I kept telling myself that all of this did not just happen. My dad did not just die while I was on the phone with my brother.

But he did.

In an instant.

Gone, without a warning.

I know that was You, Lord. 

As I sit here and reflect solely on these two months leading up to my dad’s death– I see God’s hand in all of it. These events are not a coincidence. I believe the Lord orchestrated things in such a way that He gifted me with these beautiful, loving moments with my dad before He called him home. Memories that will comfort my heart as I strive to find healing and continue to process this grief. 

Did the Lord put it on my dad’s heart that his time was near? Did that prompt my dad to soak up as much time with all of us as possible because he felt as if his earthly journey was ending?

Were the many different physical pains that my dad endured on a daily basis far worse than he ever led on? Did this cause him to ask God to just bring him home, so that he could finally rest, and no longer be in pain? 

Did he ask God to give him just enough time in order to get through the holidays with us? To create these wonderful memories to leave behind for us to cling onto? He knew we would need them, as our hearts would be utterly shattered at the loss of him. 

On this side of heaven, I may never have the answers to the many questions that are swirling around in my head, but thankfully, I do not need answers. No, I have something far greater.

Trust.

More specifically, I trust God. 

I trust in His plans.

As Lysa Terkeurst writes in ‘It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way,’ “Tears are the truest connection we have with others, and trust is the truest connection we have with God” (Terkeurst, 2018, p. 212). She goes on to explain what it means to truly trust God in the middle of our most difficult times, she writes, “Trust. Trading our will for ‘Thy will,’ because we know He will” (Terkeurst, 2018, p.212).  Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (NKJV, Rom.8:28). 

God does not promise a trouble-free life, but He works to bring good out of the bad, and joy out of sorrow. He goes before me. His plans are perfect and they are far better than anything I could ever come up with on my own.

This realization brings me a peace and a comfort that may be difficult for some people to understand. When things happen, whether good or bad, that is God in His infinite wisdom and love, allowing events to unfold in order to fulfill His plan and purpose. Even when it does not make sense to us. God is omniscient, meaning He is all-knowing. He has known how and when my dad would pass away– even before my dad was born. Nothing is a surprise to our Lord and there is nothing we can do to change what He has willed for the future.

My hope and prayer is that by sharing this testimony of how the Lord has demonstrated His love and power to me, even in the midst of tragedy, He will use me in a way to help encourage those who may be facing difficult circumstances to turn to Him, trust in His plans for their lives, and rest in the peace that only He can give.

TerKeurst, L. (2018). It’s Not Supposed to be this Way: Finding Unexpected Strength when Disappointments Leave You Shattered. Nelson Books.