Grieving Out Loud

My Little Sister’s Tribute to Our Dad on the Day of His Funeral

Written By: Tabitha Martin

Dear Dad,

This is a letter I wish I didn’t have to write, but here we are. I am so heartbroken and lost without you here. It has only been a little over a week now, but I can not imagine how I am supposed to go through this life without you. I can not put into words how much I miss you. This feels like a nightmare that I wish I could just wake up from. 

I am going to miss your smile. Your laugh. Your jokes. Your hugs. Your kisses. Your voice. I am going to miss you constantly reminding me of how proud you were of me– even when I felt like there wasn’t anything to be proud of. I’m going to miss seeing you sitting in the same spot on the couch when I would randomly visit after work. You would always tease me that I only came over to use your bathroom- but really, I just wanted an excuse to come see you. I am going to miss every time we would say goodbye before we went our separate ways. You would give me the biggest hug, a kiss on the cheek, and whisper “I love you so much and I’m proud of you, you know that right?” in my ear. My goodness, what I would give to experience that even just one more time. 

There are so many memories I am going to hold on to for the rest of my life. The most important one is the time you took me out driving as I was preparing for my driver’s test and we spent the majority of the time talking about our faith and you shared your testimony with me. This memory means so much more to me, today because it gives me a sense of peace and comfort and the hope that I will see you again one day. I will also never forget all the times you saved me in a pinch. For instance, when you accompanied me to the DMV so that I could renew the tags on my car and apparently I had to pay for tags on my camper, as well. I will always remember arguing with you that I did not have to pay for tags on my camper because it was going to be stationery. You laughed and said, “I hate to break it to ya, but that’s not how that works, darlin’”.  

I am trying to focus on all of the amazing, funny memories that we have shared throughout the years because if I don’t I find myself focusing on all of the things we won’t have. If I am being honest, not only am I heartbroken, but I am angry at all of the things that were ripped away from me in an instant. I hate that if I ever get married– you will not be here to walk me down the aisle. We will never share a Father-Daughter dance. It sucks because I know you would have made the day so special. Part of me wants to give up on the idea of marriage because it just doesn’t seem right to not have you here, but I know you would never want me to give up on anything. I hate that if the Lord blesses me with children later on down the road– they will never know what an amazing Papaw you would have been. I am angry that I am only 26 years old and I am now without a father. It’s not fair. I would give anything to have you back.

As much as I would give anything just to have you back- I have to keep reminding myself that you are not in pain anymore. I know you expressed at times that you felt like a burden on all of us, but you weren’t a burden at all. You were such a blessing to everyone you ever met. I wish I would have told you that more. I hope you know you were not just an ordinary dad, you were an extraordinary dad. You are so loved and you will be so missed. 

I love you, old man and I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,

T-Bear